I decided to profile this book because it is packed with relevant information on handling Difficult Conversations. Difficult Conversations happen in all areas of life - think about your relationships and work. This book is very relevant if you are responsible for other people. I recommend highly you read it if you are a leader and/or a manager of any group. What makes these conversations so hard to face is the fear of the consequences - whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it. These conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. They are not about what is true; they are about what is important.
Why is this important to me?
Whether you are dealing with an underperforming employee, negotiating with a client or disagreeing with your spouse, we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day.
The book is relevant in understanding why we avoid these conversations and give us insight into how to handle them correctly. Especially for the organizational leaders listening to this summary, the following is true: The ability to handle difficult conversations well is a prerequisite to organizational change and adaptation. Companies that nurture these communications skills as core competence for leaders will leave their competition in the dust.
Each difficult Conversation is actually three conversations:
1) The "What Happened?" Conversation - Most difficult conversations are about disagreements to what happened, who's right, who said what, who did what and who is to blame. We often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you are wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief.
2) The Feelings Conversation - Every difficult conversation involves feelings. Are my feelings valid, Should I acknowledge or deny them, put them on the table or check them at the door? What about the other person's feelings. What if they are angry or hurt?
3) The Identity Conversation - This is the internal conversation we have to ourselves about what this situation means to us. Are we competent or incompetent? Are we a good person or bad person? Are we lovable or unlovable?
The three conversations are important but for the sake of time we will dive in deeper on the "What happened?" conversation.
1. Stop arguing about who is right and explore each other's stories - As we do this, it is important to understand why we have different stories in the first place. 1. We have different information 2. We have different interpretations 3. Our conclusions reflect self-interest. If we move from certainty to curiosity then we will garner true understanding and move to a learning conversation which we will cover in the next section.
2. Don't assume they meant it - disentangle intent from impact. Intentions strongly influence our judgments of others: If someone intended to hurt us, we judge them more harshly than if they hurt us by mistake. Ask yourself three questions to clarify: 1. Actions: What did the other person actually say or do? 2. Impact: What was the impact of this on me? 3.) Assumption: Based on the impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person intended? Hold your assumptions as a hypothesis and share the impact on you and inquire about their intentions.
3. Abandon Blame: Map the contribution system - Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what's really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it. Blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding. Understanding is the key to problem solving and resolving difficult conversations to a satisfactory outcome.
There are 6 areas of the learning conversation that are relevant but we will focus on the top three.
1. What's the purpose? When to Raise it and When to let go. Do we bring up the issue or let it go? This is an art form in itself. You need to know when to pick your battles. There is an old saying - It is not worth it to win the battle if you are going to lose the war. Before you raise the issue, work through the three conversations and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Also, is there another way to solve the problem without the conversation? Remember that action speaks louder than words so your actions could solve the problem without the conflict.
2. Begin from the Third story - Think like a mediator that has no emotional ties. Thinking objectively from the outside gives you a true picture of what is going on. If you think from the standpoint of having no stake in the outcome then you can be very objective in your thinking.
3. Learning - Listen from the inside out - This is really the most important aspect of the whole book in my humble opinion. Your ability to actively listen makes it much easier to have great relationships and solve problems. Active listening requires what I call "whole body listening". You need to be present and focused on the other person. This gives you the true ability to understand their point of view fully. Remember understanding does not necessarily mean agreeing with the other person. The learning that will happen through active listening will lead to positive outcomes most of the time.
I hope you have found this short summary useful. The key to any new idea is to work it into your daily routine until it becomes habit. Habits form in as little as 21 days. One thing to work on is active listening. Make this a habit and you will be pleasantly surprised how it will improve your relationships. To do this, simply listen with your whole body. Example: If you are chatting with somebody, then stop typing on the computer or texting or fiddling with something else. Give them your undivided attention. Good luck and let me know how this works out for you.
Joe Mosed invites you to subscribe to http://www.successprogress.com/ to receive free video book summaries. Our vision at Success Progress is to provide relevant & meaningful content to our user community. To view the video summary of this article please visit http://www.youtube.com/successprogress
(c) Copyright - Joe Mosed / Success Progress All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
No comments:
Post a Comment